


All the Bad Guys Cop Out

by Talesofwar



Series: Would you prefer the baton or the handcuffs? [1]
Category: BLACKPINK (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV) Fusion, Alternate Universe - Police, Begging, Bottom Jeon Jungkook, Cause come on guys, Cocky Kim Taehyung | V, Comedy, Crime, Crime Solving, Dom/sub Undertones, Drunken Shenanigans, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friends with Benefits Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, He is also oblivious, Humor, Irritated Jeon Jungkook, Jeon Jungkook is So Done, Jeon Jungkook's a muscle bunny, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope Is a Good Friend, Kim Taehyung | V Is a Sweetheart, Kim Taehyung | V Is a Tease, M/M, One Shot, Overstimulation, Pre-Relationship, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Sexual Humor, Smart Kim Taehyung | V, Stubborn Jeon Jungkook, Taehyung's the only one who calls Jungkook Kookie, Taekook are fucking oblivious, Top Kim Taehyung | V, badass female characters, it's cute okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-05 15:14:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17921249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talesofwar/pseuds/Talesofwar
Summary: In which Jeon Jungkook is the most by book cop and Kim Taehyung is an eccentric wild card of a detective who presses all of his buttons.OrTaehyung is a cocky as hell cop and Jungkook is a stubborn as hell cop and the two are obliviously whipped for each other as they have sex with 'no strings attatched'.





	All the Bad Guys Cop Out

 

" Hey Kookie".

Jungkook sighs and tries his best not to let any irritation show on his face instead taking an extra long sip of his all black-no-soul coffee.

Mentally preparing himself, he looks up at the man now leaning against his desk, dark brown eyes trained on him.

" What is it Dectective Kim?"

Kim Taehyung....words fail to describe him. He's annoying, loud mouthed, loves to break the rules and is on the smug side of things.

He has no respect for workplace etiquette, he's the guy who brought his  _dog_ to work one day.

Sure, it was cute, it wagged its furry brown tail at Jungkook before giving a small yip and sniffing around somewhere else ( his heart was taken ) but that does not change the fact that Kim Taehyung brought. A. Fucking. Dog. To. The. Precinct.

And the thing is people let him, sure Jin scolded him a bit and Jisoo ( who has dog allergies just by the way ) scowled but  _that was it_.

It's the perks of having a stupidly handsome face and cute dog Jungkook supposes.

Also did Jungkook mention that Taehyung's ( arguably ) the best detective in the two-one precinct.

Jungkook comes close, like really  _really_ close to solving as many cases as him but really, who is he kidding?

Because it's not about the cases he solves, when Kim Taehyung's in a crime scene, he's in his element, like that's his sole purpose.

Sure, Jungkook loves his job too but he never has the same kind of restlessness that Taehyung gets. It can be described as an itch probably, to satiate his knowledge.

But that's Kim Taehyung the detective, right now, he's just the annoying over grown child who whines about paper work and can't tidy his desk for nuts.

( Jungkook swears he heard something squeaking from one of the drawers )

Taehyung looks smug, he has a cocky smirk on his face, the light tan of his skin glowing against the light pink button down and ridiculous daffy duck tie he has on.

He's pretty sure half the reason for Taehyung's cartoon character ties are a form of protest against the suit and tie dress code.

Taehyung wiggles his sharp eyebrows," Captain told me that you're in a bit of a slump. He asked me to help you".

Jungkook's irritation increases and he types the police report into his computer faster.

Fuck Kim Seokjin honestly, sure he's a great Captain and role model who looks out for his subordinates but Jungkook doesn't  _need_ help because a) he is not in a slump and b) The last thing he needs is Kim Taehyung's help.

" That's fine", Jungkook glares into the computer screen," You really don't have to, I work best alone".

If it were possible Taehyung smirks even more," Oh Kookie but you don't. The doctor who died with not a single murder weapon or witness, you're close but that's definitely not enough considering the time you've spent on it".

Jungkook scowls, workplace etiquette be damned," Look Kim, if I need help on this case then I'll inform the captain and ask myself, till then leave me alone and finish the paperwork on your desk".

Taehyung shrugs but he looks nowhere near put off," Okay then, when you need my help just ask ", he hums thoughtfully," And I'll give you a piece of advice", he leans in and long fingers reach out to pop open the first two buttons of Jungkook's stiff white shirt.

" Loosen up a bit, things come easier to you when you're not stressed".

And then Kim Taehyung has the audacity to shoot him a wink and saunter away, forgoing his pile of paperwork and heading towards the break room instead.

Jungkook practically man handles his two buttons back into their original place and ignores the light flush on his cheeks.

* * *

 

 

His entire body's on fire. It's too much, he has to, no he needs to find his release.

"Tae- _ah_ ", Jungkook breaks away to let out an embarrasingly high pitched moan when Taehyung rams into his prostate harshly and tries not to collapse completely onto the sheets.

"What is it ?", to Jungkook's great displeasure he stops moving and instead wraps an arm around Jungkook's waist and presses his lips close to his neck.

Jungkook's hair a mess, hickies and marks across his thighs and snoulders which match the ones on Taehyung's torso. He's hard, cock untouched since they started and has no sort of friction, just empty air due to their position.

It's frustrating really, while facing his back to Taehyung's front makes for faster and harsher thrusts, making it impossible for Jungkook to  _breathe_ , it also means that he can't see Taehyung and doesn't get any sort of friction.

"T-touch me already", he tries to sound authoritative but its awfully whiny, like a child demanding candy.

A deep chuckle follows," You got to be more specific Kookie", Taehyung's lips flutter across his jaw, " Do you mean here?"

A hand trails down his neck," Here".

It leaves a burning trail down his chest, lightly pinching his nipple and Jungkook's back arcs a bit more until finally  _finally_ it stops at his hipbone, so close to where Jungkook needs it 

" Or here?" Taehyung teases.

Jubgkook hates requesting such things, he finds it embarrassing, vunerable even, that's probably why Taehyung loves asking him.

" Je-jerk me off asshole", Jungkook grits his teeth and resists the urge to hide his face in a pillow.

" Aw but Kookie", Jungkook can  _hear_ the pout on Taehyung's face and tries his best to not think about kissing it away.

The arm around his waist tightens and Taehyung's lips are back on his neck, specifically the sensitive spot at the juncture of his shoulder and neck.

" I want to play more".

Jungkook both hates and loves the fact that Taehyung knows about it as he tilts his head, giving Taehyung more access.

" How about this ", he says as he mouths over it," After you cum,  you can either suck me off or I can fuck you till I'm satisfied".

He then proceeds to suck savagely at that spot, there's sure to be a hickey there.

And god, Jungkook's no stranger to overstimulation and right now he'd love nothing more then to be fucked into oblivion.

That's the whole point of this arrangement, it started a month ago when Jungkook was annoyed as per usual and Taehyung was being a piece of shit.

That in itself was fine, it was their usual back and forth, the dynamic you could say, to their relationship but the whole precinct was stressed out, with everyone being reposted to the night shift and the sudden uptake in criminal activity.

So no one can blame Jungkook for pinning Kim Taehyung against a wall and agressively making out with him in the store room.

Why they continued this however, is a mystery.

Okay well, not really, Kim Taehyung may be annoying but Jungkook isn't blind and the older is also very  _very_ good with his hands.

So Jungkook opens his mouth, ready to give him his choice but at that exact moment the fucker decides to play with his nipples, pinching at them between his forefinger and thumb, pulling at it harshly.

Great now Jungkook can do absolutely nothing  _but_ moan.

He still tries, valiantly, to say something but it comes out as a garbled and high pitched mess.

" Hmm....what was that Kookie?"

He sounds so innocent and pure, that asshole.

" The second option y-you fucke-ker".

Taehyung pulls his hand away from Jungkook's chest ( he swears he did  _not_ whine at the loss of contact ) and instead places it around Junngkook's swollen dick, the grip is just tight enough.

Even without lube, the friction is smooth because of the excess of precome. It's embarrassing how little Taehyung has to do for Jungkook to cum, all the elder does is rub a couple of times, dig his thumb into the slit at its head and Jungkook's arching, spurting ropes of white.

For a few seconds, Jungkook settles, trying to get off the high and get his vision clear again.

It's unexpected, when Taehyung starts moving again, pushing Jungkook down until his face is pressed against the sheets, the echo of skin slapping skin and Taehyung's pants along with Jungkook's whines are heard throughout the room.

" A-ah so good hyung", Jungkook's voice quivers and his mouth is open, drool on the side of his mouth as his eyes glaze over.

He hears Taehyung groan more, his voice deep and throaty and Jungkook craves to see Taehyung's expressions, his dark eyes and predatory smirk, wants to see how his expression falls into bliss when he comes apart.

" Aren't you a good baby for hyung, Kookie? Your greedy hole's practically sucking me in" he says, grasping at one of Jungkook's thighs and hooking around his waist, the angle making Taehyung reach impossibly deeper.

Jungkook screams, clutching at the dirtied sheets below him to ground himself.

" Want you hyung", Jungkook's rambling at this point, his voice hoarse," Want your cock inside me, ruining-" he screams again as Taehyung slowly drags his cock across Jungkook's prostrate, the slow grind sending sparks through Jungkook, making him roll his eyes.

It's too much, Taehyung's constantly ramming into his abused prostate, making Jungkook quiver and moan and suddenly there's a hand rubbing at his half hard dick, setting an equally harsh pace on.

Taehyung leans over, his lips close to Jungkook's ear and the latter feels wonderfully trapped, it's too much and there's no where to go, he just has to take and take.

It's wonderful.

" You were being an awfully mouthy baby before Kookie ", he hums before pressing a kiss on his cheek that's much too sweet for the unforgiving pace he's going at.

" Don't worry I can shut you up".

 

* * *

 

" Hey".

This time its Park Jimin who has come to bother him and considering Jungkook's brain has been feeling like literal mush after trying to solve the case and do paperwork, he doesn't exactly mind the interruption.

" What's up?" Jungkook greets in return and the shorter man takes a seat on Taehyung's desk, the one opposite his and gives an impish smile.

Park Jimin loves small talk, one could argue that its actually Taehyung but Jungkook believes that the latter  _always_ has a purpose behind his chats, whether it is to impress of intimidate someone.

He's just not too sure where he falls in that category.

Jimin is also an extremely good friend, sure he's closest to Taehyung, they're platonic soulmates if he's recollecting correctly but he's also from the same hometown as Jungkook and whenever he's homesick, the elder is a nice friend to chat with.

" I just arrested a seventy year old for drug dealing, this must be the oldest collar of my career".

Jungkook hums," Well I once arrested a ninety year old for flashing....", he pauses, recollecting how he'd almost got an asthma attack while walking down the local park," I was worried he was going to die on the way there.....or that he was flashing at me".

" Ooh", Taehyung joins them, bringing with him the sweet  _sweet_ smell of hot cocoa," Are we talking about our oldest arrests!"

Jungkook has been  _craving_ any beverage except coffee but his case isn't solved yet and cocoa will only make him sleepy.

So he tries very _very_ subtly to just breathe in the fumes.

" I once arrested a woman who was eighty two but she had mad ninja skills, I seriously thought she was twenty with the mask on",

Taehyung smiles and leans against Jungkook's chair lightly, putting the store brought freshly brewed cocoa  _right in front of_ Jungkook's face in favour of crossing his arms.

Soo close....its soo close.

Hoseok who had been placing the last of his paperwork, also joins thems, the usual sunny smile on his face as he approaches the three of them.

" My oldest was sixty eight", he declares and nods solemnly.

" That isn't too old", Jimin comments and Hoseok shrugs.

" Well I was twenty at that time".

Taehyung cocks his head," Twenty? Were you even a cop then hyung?"

Hoseok gives them a befuddled look," No, it was before I got into the academy".

There's a pregnant pause of silence before Kim Jisoo, the detective who had been sitting a desk away, whistles.

" Oh Hoseok-oppa isn't talking about his oldest  _arrest_ ".

Realisation dawns on all of them and while Jungkook and Jimin grimace in slight disgust, Jisoo laughs heartily and Taehyung lets out a few deep chuckles.

" You had sex with a _sixty eight year old_ in your  _twenties_!"

Hoseok face shows deep _deep_ regret.

" You know how it is, you get the chance to bed with an older women and you take it..."

Taehyung laughs some more," That's not an _older_ woman, that's just an old woman, God, she could be someone's granma".

Hoseok remains silent.

Jisoo smiles sardonically," Please don't tell me that's how you met her?"

" OKAY", Hoseok yells," I feel extremely attacked right now and I'd like to tell you'll that she was  _very_ gentle and it was a magical night".

Jungkook can't help it, he's not usually the asshole but he doesn't usually come up with jokes," Was it because she had an artificial hip or because she had to take a nap ?"

Hoseok gives him a deep seethed glare," Oh you will deeply regret this...."

" Sorry hyung!" Jungkook cracks up, letting out laughs of his own," I just never come up with jokes", he wheezes and would have almost fallen off his chair if it weren't for Taehyung's weight grounding it.

" Oh....is this funny to you?" Hoseok's voice is sickly sweet and it makes Jungkool freeze.

" Well I don't want to give any names but ", Hoseok looks right at Jungkook ,"   _S_ _omeone_ here had sex with a FIFTY FIVE year old, multiple times!"

Taehyung chokes, his face turning the slightest bit pale and be wheezes out laughs and Jimin's trying his best to hide his smile.

Jisoo's eyes are twinkling as she speaks," Really how did that even happen more than once?"

Jungkook resists the urge to sink into the ground.

" In my defense", He begins weakly," The guy told me he was thirty and he  _looked_ young okay!"

It's Hoseok's turn to smirk," Really, what made him look thirty, was it the moustache? The wrinkles or maybe the fact that he kept on saying  _making love_ instead of sex?"

What are the chances of lightning striking down and destroying this entire office?

" Okay look, beards look hot on some people, the wrinkles were like barely there and some people prefer not to use the ter-", Jungkook glares, turning to his right to look at Taehyung giving him a wide smirk.

He's not verbally teasing him, he's not even laughing, it's just his  _presence_ that irks Jungkook, makes him hyper aware.

Jungkook glares even deeper before focusing back at Hoseok," Let's not change the topic, at least I didn't sleep with him  _knowing_ his real age, that's all on you".

" Now now", Taehyung holds his hands out in a gesture to placate everyone,the smirk on his face begs to differ though," This is a no kink shaming area people, some of us have an old person kind and others have a beard kink, it's cool, let's stay calm".

Jimin snorts," Says the guy with the daddy kink".

" OH YOU'RE ON!!!"

Taehyung continues arguing with Jimin as the two go out to the forensics for more evidence on the case they've partb3ered together for, long after everyone's returned to their work.

The cup of hot cocoa remains on Jungkook's desk and when he picks it up on the surface below, written in black marker is;

Your blood's going to turn into coffee at this rate ; )

 

* * *

 

 " So....what are your thoughts on elevator sex?"

Jungkook chokes briefly on nothing and panics slightly at the stack of files, reports and other evidence that tilts slightly in his arms.

Another larger hand, helps steady it from the bottom and Jungkook doesn't have to look up to know that there's a cheeky grin on Taehyung's face.

He huffs, drawing the weigth closer to his chest, quiet thankful for the additional weight that's preoccupying  his arms because he does not want to know what his hands would be doing if they were free.

This is an exceptionally long elevator ride.

" Wasn't last night enough?" Jungkook remarks drily and there's chuckles heard from besides him.

" Geez,  _keep it in your pants_ Kookie", Taehyung teases," I just asked for your opinion on it, no one said anything about doing it, eapecially right now", he smirks condescendingly.

Jungkook sighs and decides that ignorance is probably the best line of action he should take.

" You didn't answer my question though?"

Taehyung's deep baritone of a voice is impossibly close now, warm breath against Jungkook's throat and the latter resists the urge to gulp.

" Sorry, elevators have cameras and I'm not into giving free shows to anyone?"

Taehyung hums a hit," Well that's good because I  _really_ hate having third parties involved in any way".

He lighly grazes his teeth against the shell of Jungkook's ear and Jungkook shivers, an electric zing running through his blood stream.

And then Taehyung steps away, acting as if nothing has happened.

This elevator ride is  _really_ getting too long.

" What was that?" Jungkook asks breathlessly, his ear still sensitive and warm.

Taehyung gives him a boxy grin," A kink discussion, you know setting up boundries, other important stuff".

"How the hell was that any of those things?"

" Well, you told me about how you're not comfortable with voyeurism and I told you that I'm not into threesomes".

Jungkool shakes his head because what happened earlier most  _definitely_ counted as flirting or foreplay, he isn't sure.

" This elevator is so damn long", Jungkook grumbles just as the metal doors pull open.

Jungkook snaps his head to the side, narrowing his eyes at an sermingly innocent Kim Taehyung.

The word 'seemingly' is used because he has a finger pressed against the open doors button of the elevator.

" You know when the Captain said that our elevator wasn't working, he meant that the doors don't open instantly after reaching the floor".

Jungkook seethes and without sparing a glance behind him, stalks out of the monstrosity.

He'll just take the stairs next time, files or no files.

 

* * *

 

 

"Detective Jeon, where are we on the Choi Murder Case?"

Jungkook doesn't usually mind morning briefings but he also hates attention on himself, being a spectator has always been easier than talking in front of a huge crowd.

Though ' huge ' according to him is more than 4 people so who knows.

" Almost there", is Jungkook's clipped reply and Jin gives him a sort of dissapointed look.

" Why don't you brief the others on it?"

Jungkook takes a look at the rest of the detectives, ready to decline but the look on Jin's face says that no isn't really an option here.

He sighs and gets up, muttering a small 'yaaay' sarcastically under his breath and stands next to the tiny screen.

"Everyone meet Mr.Choi", Jungkook says as he presses a button on the precinct remote.

A picture of a middle aged, stoic man appears on the screen.

" He was a model citizen, a fantastic doctor, his family close to the mayor and was also a sleazy cheater".

He presses another button and the slide shifts to the face of a lady, her smile coy and face smooth save for some lines here and there.

" This is Mrs.Choi, wife of the victim and most definitely the murderer, she has the opportunity, motives and the means" 

" But...", from the front Jisoo says, a notepad and pencil laid out in front of her.

Jungkook sighs, rubbing his face because  _here_ is where all his problems arise," The police can't evict here until a murder weapon is found which is conveniently missing".

Jin claps his hands," Yes and as are aware, the family _is_ close to the mayor so the higher ups are not happy, Jungkook", said detective turns towards Jin," If you're having issues with the case then just ask the squad for help".

Jungkook looks down, his cheeks flushing in embarrassment as he walks back and Jin ends the briefing.

 

* * *

 

  After much internal debate and struggle, Jungkook finally asks Hoseok for help.

Sure, Hoseok's a great cop who had a respectable amount of collars under his belt but Jungkook would be lying if he said that was his reason for asking him for his help.

Jin had been breathing down his back about asking for help and the other detectives asked too.

A few days after the briefing, Jisoo and Jimin had approached him.

" Jungkook, you know that you can ask us for help right, all of us want this solve", Jisoo says worriedly and Jungkook resists the urge to bury his head in his arms and groan.

Taehyung answers for him, his voice mocking," Oh no I asked Detective Jeon a week back, he gold me that he can  _handle himself,_ isn't that right detective?"

Jungkook really wants to punch Taehyung right now but he can't promise that he wouldn't do the same thing if the tables were turned.

Jimin arcs his eyebrow," Really Jungkook? We aren't denying your skills, it's a tough solve and you  _are_ on a time limit".

That's when Jungkook sees his opening, he  _wants_ to solve the case by himself and although he feels guilty about it, he really doesn't want to butt heads with a partner who'll argue or snap against him too much.

And that's why Jung Hoseok is the best option, he's sunny, nice and very agreeable.

" I was actually going to ask Detective Jung for help", Jungkook says cooly and all the three other detectives give him a challenging look.

Jungkook sighs and cups his hands over his mouth," Hoseok hyung!" he shouts and the man looks up, eyebrows furrowed.

" Will You help me with the case!"

Hoseok gives him a beaming smile," Sure!"

Well that was easy.

Jungkook turns back go Jimin and Jisoo," See, I can take help when I want to", he says smugly as he crosses his hands.

Jisoo narrows her eyes at him, as if wanting to say something but keeps her lips pressed together and Jimin gives a satisfied nod before the two of them leave.

Jungkook turns back to his computer, unfortunately facing the same way as Taehyung who has a knowing glint to his eyes.

" I hope you know that you're not as smooth as you think you are Detective Jeon ".

Jungkook rolls his eyes," And I don't think this is any of your business Taehyung ".

Taehyung just gives his usual smirk," Whatever, it's going to be your ass that will suffer in the end".

" Is there any time when you're not talking about asses to me?"

Taehyung leans back in his chair, stretching his arms over his head with a satisfying pop.

" I have to say Kookie, it's most definitely an 'A' for effort but you never really learnt how to steer the topic in a different direction".

Sometimes Kim Taehyung's too good a detective.

 

* * *

 

 

" I'm going to tell you again, there _isn't_ a place to hide a knife in the hallway, it like other apartment hallways, does not have secret compartments ".

Jungkook sighs at the doorman ( and yes the victim lived in a place fancy enough to  _have_ a doorman ) and turns defeatedly to Hoseok.

The older man gives him a light pat on the shoulder and Jungkook has to admit, another reason Hoseok makes such a great partner is because he's cheerful enough and knows how to give small reassurances.

He turns back to the grumpy lift man and tries just to be extra sure.

" Are you  _sure_ there isn't?"

The man rolls his eyes," Do I need to record it for you now?"

Jungkook grumbles, his mouth opening to snap back because he's  _frustrated_ but thankfully Hoseok talks before he can do anything he'll regret.

" No that's fine, thank you for your co-operation sir".

The two of them take the elevator, deciding to ask the residents living on the victim's floor ( again ) to gather any new leads or intel.

The first door Jungkook knocks on opens to reveal an old lady, probably in her early sixties with her bathrobe loose and lipstick red.

" I heard you young lads were making rounds again", she says as she flutters her lips.

Jungkook immediately looks down onto the ground and wonders why no one told him in the academy that being in the academy entailed stupid stuff like this.

" Well hyung", Jungkook pats Hoseok on the shoulder," I'll let you handle this".

He makes his leave just as he hears Hoseok swear angrily, muttering something about never disclosing secrets again.

Each door brings more frustratingly useless answers and by the time he gets a call from the pathologist assigned to his case, Kim Namjoon , Jungkook's cradling one of the neighbours babies, trying to shut it up as Hoseok's chasing after the same frazzled woman's dog.

Honestly what do people think the Police is even?

" Why do I hear someone crying in the backround?" Namjoon asks the moment Jungkook answers.

"I'm holding a baby", Jungkook deadpans.

" Okay umm....is it your nephew or...?"

Jungkook sighs," Namjoon, why did you call me?"

" O-oh right", there's the sound of something clattering in the backround, no doubt another test tube that suffered its unfortunate demise because of Namjoon's hands," I found something about the murder weapon".

Jungkook instantly perks up, cradling the baby with vigour, he-she seems to like it as the crying subsides and the worn out mother in front of him literally sobs in relief.

" What about it?"

" The murder weapon, I looked at the marks again and it's not a knife, the gashes indicate a corkscrew or nail".

Jungkook thanks Namjoon profusely, promising to get him coffee the next time he visits and ends the call on a more hopeful note.

That's when Hoseok comes back, a small pomerian in one hand and his phone clasped in another.

There's a frown on his face which in itself is unsual, especially considering his deep love for dogs.

" Jisoo just called", Hoseok says," We need to go back to the precinct,  _now_ ".

 

* * *

 

 When Jungkook enters the precinct with Hoseok  he can't help but groan.

Detective Soon is a tall man with scrappy black hair and a ever present sneer which only ever morphs into an unpleasant sleazy smile.

' The Vulture ' is a fitting nickname for him, he's from the Major Crimes Divison and swoops in to take cases that are almost always solved.

And Jungkook has a pretty clear idea as to why he's there in the precinct.

Everyone has a certain irritated look on their faces, even the ever amiable Taehyung because they've all gotten some or the other case stolen from the Vulture.

The Vulture turns, clearly hearing Jungkook's groan and smirks.

Jungkook seethes and tries to remember what his kindergarden teacher told him about counting sheep to calm down.

Or wait, was that to fall asleep?

 " God no", Jungkook whispers under his breath.

" Hey, don't curse at me, I'm the one that had to come back to this backwater shit hole".

If there's anyone who is better at getting a rise out of him than Taehyung, it's most definitely the Vulture.

But Taehyung, he's mellow in his teasing, Jungkook  _knows_ or rather is  _used_ to it enough to know that the elder does it as means to gain Jungkook's attention or to prove a point.

( And sometimes, though Jungkook would never admit, he laughs at the others jokes too )

But this guy, he's just an asshole.

Jungkook doesn't even bother stopping at his desk, just moves past it and into the Captain's office, Hoseok worriedly following him.

He opens the door as politely as he can manage and gives a bow as he enters.

" Captai-"

Jin's looking at a file spread out on his table, his black hair a mess as the computer on his emits out a blue glow.

Jin holds a hand up, shutting the file spread out in front of him with the other and looks up.

" Before you say anything Jungkook, I'd like to tell you that I'm very much aware as to why you're here".

" But-"

" And I would also like to inform you that I  _gave_ you three weeks to close your case up, told you to take help from the precinct and before that  _personally_ requested Taehyung to help you ".

Jungkook gulps, embarrassed but none the less tries to save whatever dignity he had left.

" But  _I_ did, I asked Hoseok for help".

Hoseok nods somberly," Yeah, I caught a pomerian today".

That really didn't help.

" Look Jungkook", Jin says and oh no, his voice isn't in the ' friendly Captain who makes bad puns' mode anymore, it's reverted to 'Scary Captain' mode which only occurs when Taehyung does some stupid wild card move.

That is, he uses that voice a lot, just not on  _Jungkook_.

" There's no doubt about it, you're being a good cop but you  _refuse_ to take help, I admit that Taehyung is my most difficult detective but even he knows when he has to much to handle and you've always been too stubborn to admit it, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to give your case to Detective Soon".

Hoseok hisses, curling into himself," Don't call the Vulture by his name Jin hyung, it humanises him".

Jungkook sighs, feeling defeated and just bows," Yes Captain, I'm sorry for causing a fuss".

Jin's eyes soften," Don't take it the wrong way Jungkook-ah, take this as a lesson perhaps, ask for help sooner if you're stuck in a case".

Jungkook doesn't reply, just nods and takes his leave, making a beeline to his table and gathering all his files.

He's angry and dissapointed and just wants to be done with this.

Of course, the Vuture's still at his table and can't keep his mouth shut.

"Well well, I wonder how long this will take, maybe I'll break a new record, how much time did it take for me to solve Park's last case, 16 hours maybe?"

Jimin scowls at the Vulture, squeezing the life out of his miraculously procured stress ball in his hand.

" That's because it was 98% solved".

" Yeah well", Soon manspreads even more, " The last 2% is the hardest to get, that's why they leave it in the milk".

Jungkook wonders just how much trouble he'd get into by punching that guy's face.

It'd be worth it though.

Jisoo passes by them and the Vulture whistles, sleazy smile on his face," Looking as sexy as ever Detective Kim".

" Rot and burn in hell", Is Jisoo's sugary sweet reply before she fixes her gaze on Jungkook," This,  _is_ your fault".

_Yeah, I know._

He practically manhandles the files on the table and tries to keep his face neutral.

" Aww ", Soon pats the files," Thanks for doing the super easy stuff Detective Jeon, I'm sure it must have been hard for you".

Jungkook clenches his jaw.

_Don't punch him, don't punch him, don't punch him-_

" Well I guess I'll be leaving, hope I don't have to come here again but no one can be  _too sure "._

There's only the silence of leather shoes before the elevator pings and the smell of too strong cologne leaves. _  
_

Taehyung sits on his seat from across of Jungkook, coffee mug in hand.

He opens his mouth.

"  _Don't_ tell me I told you so", Jungkook snaps.

Taehyung cocks his head," I was just going to ask you if you were okay and if you wanted hot chocolate? You liked it the last time I gave it to you", he hold the mug up and passes to Jungkook.

" Thanks ", Jungkook says begrudging and takes a tiny sip.

Taehyung leans back, a satisfied smile on his face and Jungkook puts all his frustrations out by aggressively drinking the delicious hot chocolate, he makes a note to ask Taehyung which cafe the elder gets it from.

" And also, I told you so".

Then again, maybe not.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The precinct goes out for drinks a lot after work, sometimes to celebrate or to hang and even just to wallow in self pity.

It's safe to say that Jungkook's here for the latter.

He's four shots in, just bordering on tipsy and is already complaining loudly about everything.

" Relax Jungkook", Hoseok pats his arm sympathetically, " It happens to the best of us".

" Yeah", Jimin takes a huge swig of his root beer," Remember last year how I had a whole tag team ready for that drug bust and the Vulture just swooped in and took control of the case".

Jungkook recollects Jimin almost throwing the printer in his frustration and winces just the slightest bit.

 Jisoo, who is already much ahead of everyone in the alcohol department, sets her glass down with a thud, her cheeks flushed.

"Y-you know what we should do", she pauses to hiccup," We should wrap plastic all around that asshole's car and remove its tires or something and t-then", she giggles," Two of us have sex all over it and leave".

" Well", Taehyung pauses to take a huge gulp of his sparkly cocktail," That got weird fast.....let's do it".

" Yup that's enough alcohol for the two of you", Jimin says as he takes both Taehyung and Jisoo's half empty glasses and pours them down his own throat.

" Yeah", Jisoo doesn't even notice her glass being taken," I vote Jungkook and", she hics," J-jungkook, he has muscles".

Taehyung nods solemnly and Jungkook briefly wonders how he's supposed to have sex with himself.

Hoseok eyes Jisoo weirdly," Where did you even get such weird ideas from?"

" Girls Scouts", Jisoo answers immediately," In highschool".

" They teach you stuff like that in Girls Scouts", Jimin looks fascinated.

" Nah", Jisoo shakes her head," There was this smug ass bitch who sold more cookies than me", her face darkens," So I took revenge".

Jungkook shivers, mentally deciding to never get on Jisoo's bad side.

" You know what, that sounds like a great idea", Jungkook announces and the other four give him surprised looks (save for Taehyung who just looks amused if anything else ) because he's usually the  _sane_ one, the person who tells them to be responsible and cuts people like Jisoo and Hoseok off before they do something stupid like dance with their pants off or vomit or do both at the same time.

But right now, Jungkook's frustrated and he wants to do  _something, anything_ as payback.

" I mean not the sex part but everything else", he says earnestly.

" Do we have plastic wrapping paper?" Taehyung asks still smiling albeit a bit more sleepily.

" We'll buy it along the way", Jisoo voices, pumped up.

" What about a screwdriver or like a wrench to remove the tires?" Hoseok asks thoughtfully and its kind of funny, here are five grown adults discussing how to pull off a highschool prank.

" Oh", Jisoo shoves a hand into her puffy purse and removes a wrench out," We have half of those things".

Jungkook blinks," You just carry that around in your purse?"

Jisoo shrugs," You never know when you'll need a wrench".

" Huh", Taehyung also blinks but more so in wonder," I guess you're right".

" Okay", Jimin nods sleepily," Just umm....does anyone  _know_ where the Vulture lives?"

" Baby steps Jimin, baby steps".

 

* * *

 

 

 As it turns out the Vulture lives three blacks away from the bar, how did the five of them figure that out? Well it was thanks to their combined detective skills and brains.

They google it.

" Wow", Hoseok hums as he checks the Vulture's instagram, which in a not so surprising fashion is filled with shirtless gym pics and mirror slefies," It's like this guy is asking to be robbed".

" Okay ", Taehyung comes up again after wrapping the entirety of the Vulture's sleek black car in plastic, Jimin and Jungkook helping him as Jisoo waves a wrench around like a two year old and Jungkook's half worried it's going to hit someone.

" We need to leave a sign of sorts to fuck with his brain", Jimin insists," Like, one  week, We're coming or chicken nuggets or....", he blinks, eyes focusing on a fickering street light," What was I saying?"

" A parting message to fuck with the Vulture's brain", Junngkook says before wrinkling his nose," Or were you talking about chicken nuggets.....chicken nuggets sound nice, let's buy some I'm hungry".

" Nah", Hoseok shakes his head," We spend all the money on the plastic wrap and the box of condoms".

" Cool" Taehyung's cheeks are flushed as he leans against the car, he's fashioned his blue toe with tiny foxes into a head band of sorts, pushing back his hair and those eyebrows on display are doing weird things to Jungkook's stomach.

" Wait...why the hell did we buy condoms?"

Jisoo giggles at that," For having sex on the Vulture's car silly! And also they were on sale..."

" I thought we weren't doing the sex part?"

Everyone ignores Jungkook which is just  _wow_ , so rude.

" Ooh condoms on sale", Taehyung takes a seat next to Jisoo," Let's split".

Jisoo clutches the box closer to her chest, a pout on her face and an extremely threatening wrench in her hand," Nope, these are mine, they're 'ribbed with pleasure'  and shit, go get your own half off condoms".

It looks like they're going to argue more but before they can, Jimin's standing up, his hair askew as his eyes widen in enlightment.

" That's right, we have to leave a threatening message to fuck with his brain, I'm so smart", Jimin pats his own shoulder with a proud smile on his face and Taehyung hollers too, jumping up and giving Jimin a fist pump.

Jungkook glares slightly," I reminded him like five minutes ago".

Jisoo just looks disgusted as she eyes Taehyung and Jimin do their weird bro shake thing.

" Guys...", Jisoo sighs as she looks at Hoseok, slightly jerking her head towards Jimin and Taehyung," They're such idiots am I right?"

Hoseok stares at her, affronted," Lady what gender do you think I am?"

Jimin's now searching for something to write the message with but as it turns out, no one is carrying pens or markers with them.

" Okay", Jimin holds his palm up at Jisoo," Give me your lipstick".

Jisoo stares at his palm," My what?"

" Your lipstick", he repeats," All the ladies have it".

" You think I'd carry lipstick to work a job where I'm out chasing criminals all the fucking time", Jisoo gives Jimin a dead panned look," Have you met a human woman?"

" Okay okay wait", Jungkook holds his hand out as the other is clenched around his hand," I'm calling the Seargent".

" Lisa?" Hoseok peeks his head out," Why?"

The call connects before Jungkook can answer and there's a hello from the other end.

" Hello Seargent", Jungkook's words slur at the s," Do you by chance have lipstick in your bag?"

There's a pause from the other end,"  _Really, I work at a job where I chase after criminals every other day_ " there's a pause and Jisoo sends them all a defiant look,"  _Of course I have one, I'm not a heathen"._

" Guess I proved my point", Jimin says smugly.

Jisoo just glares," That's not fair, you just used one example!"

"  _Wait why did you guys ask me that?"_

" We need to write a death threat on a plastic covered car", Jimin lets out, looking awfully proud of himself.

_"  Are you guys taking some shitty revenge on the Vulture"._

" Nooo", Jungkook lies unconvincingly as Taehyung looks at him, snickering in a corner ( that man feeds off his discomfort ), " Hoseok really wanted his car to be wrapped in plastic.....because its the latest trend?"

 _" Listen Jungkook",_ Lisa sighs from the other end,  _" Stop taking revenge like a bunch of five year olds, take this as a lesson, the next time take help from the squad and solve it before Major Crimes steps in"._

Jungkook frowns, guilt and embarrasement flooding through him," Okay Seargent ".

When he cuts the call, Taehyung has a contemplative look on his face, that could mean three things, either he has an amazingly brilliant plan, a shitty plan that could fire all of them or his nose is super itchy".

" Guys you know what would be the best payback?" Taehyung say finally, his deep voice catching everyones attention.

" Let's solve thw case tonight, before midnight, we give it to the DA and get the collar.".

Jungkook's drunk enough to think its a brilliant plan," Yes guys! Let's out vulture the vulture".

Hoseok makes a weird stangling sound at the back of his throat and everone stares at him.

" The fuck was that?"

Hoseok gives them all a weirded out look," Come on guys, it was the sound a vulture makes?"

That makes things awkward.

 

* * *

 

They end up taking the bus because everyone's a bit  _too_ tipsy to drive.

Jungkook's squashed between the wall and Taehyung, explaining him the details of the murder frantically.

" So apparently Choi had been cheating for a while now, two years ago with his secretary, one of the nanny's told me about their fights, and after that a dog walker-"

"-Wait a second", Taehyung grins," So that means-"

" -Don't do it Taehyung just don't ", Jungkook groans into his palms.

" -She not only walked his dogs, she also  _rided_ his dog".

Taehyung laughs and even Jungkook cracks a smile," Yes, you  _could_ say it that way but anyway, basically she had the motive, the means, 90 seconds after the murder the wife comes rushing down the stairs to tell the door man a murder's happened, so like...", Jungkook trails off.

Taehyung's staring at him, a soft look on his face as his eyes twinkle.

" You're awfully talkative about the case now".

Jungkook gulps, tearing his gaze away from Taehyung as he fiddles with the zipper of his jacket.

" Yeah...", he trails off awkwardly," I just thought I had it under the bag and.."

" I get it", Taehyung says and he's close enough that his blonde hair tickle the side of Jungkook's face, " You want to be number one, we all do but you have to understand that asking people for help when you're stuck is a part of it".

" Not you", Jungkook blurts out, he can't help it and later he'll be sure to blame the alcohol in his system.

Taehyung turns to him sharply," What?"

Jungkook shrugs, trying to play it cool," You don't ask people for help...it's like, you just get everything, it's like you're already there well....except your paper work, I heard from Jin hyung that you misspelled 'recieve' once".

Taehyung lightly pulls at the underside Jungkook's chin, causing Jungkook to turn his head away from the window.

Taehyung looks oddly serious, more so than any other time Jungkook's seen him, he usually has a goofy smile on his face or a smug smirk and sometimes underneath the covers, a dark glint in his eyes from above Jungkook. 

" I've been in the squad a year more than you have and I  _still_ ask for help and screw up Jungkook, I ask Jimin and Lisa for second opinions all the time, it's okay to, no one's really going to be number one and you sure as hell shouldn't think I am or any one else. You're a great cop Kookie".

Jungkook takes a deep breath, staring at Taehyung with his mouth slightly agape before he gulps," Thanks man".

And the seriousness has melted off, there's the usual easy going smile on Taehyung's face, " Sure", he says and before Jungkook can blink he feels a sharp twinge on his forehead.

" Ow", Jungkook glares," What the hell?"

" That's for saying that I suck at writing reports, you submit using a crayon  _one_ time and now the world's against you".

" Dramatic bitch", Jungkook mutters under his breath.

" Whatever asshole", Taehyung rebukes and things settle back to normal.

At least that's what Jungkook tells himself.

 

* * *

 

 

" Okay ", Jungkook says as they enter the victim's apartment, ducking under the yellow police tape as they make their way to the crime scene i.e the kitchen.

" So the murder happened here", Jungkook says," Mr Choi and Mrs Choi came after a dinner at a fancy restaurant, there was no one else at the house and ninety seconds later Mr Choi's corpse is found here", Jungkook points at the area where a chalk silhouette of the body is drawn next to the kitchen island .

" Miss Choi stabs Mr Choi with a corkscrew and then....what does she do with it?"

Jungkook claps his hands and eyes the others," I suggest we do a roleplay of sorts".

He's relieved that no one makes an unnecessary innuendo.

" Ooh I'll try first", Hoseok raises his hand.

Jungkook shrugs," Okay I'll be the cheating husband then".

" So I stab you", Hoseok brings his imaginary cork screw down on Jungkook's shoulder," And then I throw it down the trash chute".

Jungkook shakes his head," It can't be, we checked the trash ten times and found nothing".

Jimin tries next, though he's absolutely hammered by now," Stabbity stab", he mutters as he swishes the imaginary cork screw," The body....the murder weapon's still in the body".

" Okay", Taehyung cuts in, taking Jimin by the shoulders," You should sit down, I'll try next".

" Yay", Jisoo says from the 'absolutely hammered' corner with Jimin next to her," Lights Camera Action".

" Kay I'm gonna kill you now", Taehyung says sweetly and Jimin whistles whilst Jisoo stage whispers 'buuuurrrrn' in a slurred tone.

" I stab you and...", Taehyung turns eyeing the refrigerator with its various assortments of colourful magnets on it.

" Hey, if the corkscrew was magnetic...."

Something clicks in Jungkook's brain and his competitive nature wins over.

" That means the corkscrew is stuck on the walls of the trash chute, I said it first", he adds on childishly and Taehyung gives him a hard frown as they rush to the trash chute.

" Uggh", Taehyung sticks his head into the opening, using his phone as a torch," I can't see deep enough".

" We need someone to go in there to see clearly", Jungkook continues.

" Someone with narrow shoulders and a small stature".

As if sharing a mind of their own, all three of them turns towards Jisoo, sobered up significantly now, who in turn gives them a withering glare.

" Oh, I am  _not_ trusting you guys in holding me up".

" Relax", Taehyung coaxes," Look, Jungkook here has muscles", Jungkook flexes at that moment to further prove his point," And I....am much  _much_ more taller than you".

She looks unsure and eyes the trash chute with mild disdain.

" We'd ask Jimin if we could", Hoseok says," But he's already sleeping".

She gives in finally," Uugh fine, I can't believe I washed my hair today for this".

" Yes", Hoseok cheers at her, holding his palm up," High five!"

Jisoo ignores his open arm, instead nearing the trash chute and giving both Taehyung and Jungkook a hard look.

" I swear if either of you'll drop me I'll snap off your dicks and make you feed it to each other".

Jungkook winces and Taehyung's smile appears a bit strained.

It takes a bit of manuovering and strength but ten minutes and thirty swears in, Jungkook and Taehyung are holding Jisoo's legs seperately and the woman has her face in the trash chute.

Jungkook's sure they look extremely ridiculous.

 

" Can you see anything from there", Hoseok asks.

" No, I'm just enjoying the view from here", Jisoo sasses, her voice echos from the metallic trash chute," I can't see anything, you guys are going to have to lower me".

" Okay", Taehyung sighs," Jeez my arms feel numb, I really need to hit the gym", he eyes Jungkook's muscles with envy and pouts," How do you get the time and energy for those".

Jungkook contemplates, ready to give an unnecessarily long explanation when Jisoo cuts in.

" You know for a guy whose complaining about his numb arms, you sure have a lot of time to chat there", she grumbles," Now hurry up before all the blood in my body percolates to my head".

" Okay", Jungkook locks eyes with Taehyung", On the count of three".

" One, two, thre-"

At that moment the door to the apartment bangs open amd two men in identical uniforms enter.

"-SEOUL POLICE DEPARTMENT, PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR"

Well, shit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jungkook steps out of Jin's cabin, his expression sombre as he stops in front of the other five detectives.

" Guys....", he falters and looks down, trying to hide his grin," We OUT-VULTURED THE VULTURE!"

Jimin blinks awake, having been asleep throughout the ordeal and smiles before he's out again.

Jisoo whoops and Hoseok gives Taehyung a high five.

" And it's all thanks to me"  Jisoo states smugly before pausing," And ridiculously huge trash chutes ".

( "Okay, Jisoo we're going to pull you out now".

" You dickweeds better hurry before I-", she shrieks as gravity finally pulls at her, causing here to slide all the way down to the dumpster.

Jisoo grasps blindly as she removes her loose hair from her face, the horrendous smell gagging her as she sees something shining next to her, on the floor of the dumpster.

It's a corkscrew.

" This is the proudest moment of my career", Jisoo states before bending over the gigantic dumpster and vomiting her stomach out. )

"Well that's great", Taehyung adds," And Jin just let you go ".

Jungkook nods," Yup, pretty much, of course I got scolded and shit but the Captain left me with a warning".

" Well", Hoseok yawns," I'd suggest that we celebrate with drinks but all of us our too drunk right now, so let's leave".

" Yeah", Jungkook waves at them," I'll just finish the report so you guys don't have to wait up".

" Okay", Jisoo shrugs on her jacket as the others take their leave," Bye".

They all head towards the elevator, save for Jimin, who is practically been carried by Hoseok, Taehyung lingers however, gives him a hard look before leaving too.

"Great", Lisa says as she leads Jungkook to the store room," You're going to have to arrange all the files from the 60s to 2019 by tomorrow", she pats him on the back," Have fun".

Jungkook stretches his arms behind his head, working out the kinks in them.

" Thanks, please tell me the coffee machine in the break room is working?"

Lisa's on her cellphone, tapping in a message but she looks up on his question and gives him a tiny smile," You bet it is......", she gives him a serious look," You know you didn't have to take all the blame right? The others were involved too".

" Yeah but they were involved because of me", Jungkook says," And you know how much I love filing and colour coding stuff, I'll be done in five hours".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Bonus Scene )

 

" Okay then Jungkook ah", Lisa ruffles his hair a bit," I'll be leaving....", she pauses, looking down as her phone gives a ping," Now, good luck".

Jungkook nods, rolling up his sleeves as he eyes the dusty boxes, sure he wasn't lying when he said he liked filling but not to this degree.

He sighs, it's going to be a long night.

" Jeez", a deep baritone says and Jungkook whips his head to see Taehyung enter the storage room, donning a fresh new shirt but an exasperated face.

" What are you doing here?" Jungkook asks, his eyes wide.

Taehyung arcs an eyebrow," I could ask you the same question Detective Jeon", he sighs at Jungkook's stoic expression," But it you must know, then the Seargent told me that she was tired of my half assed reports, said that some filling would teach me my lesson, so here I am, want to divide the work?"

Jeon Jungkook's not an idiot," You don't have to help me, go home".

Taehyung doesn't bother giving Jungkook a response, just takes a box of files and starts sorting them out.

" Hey", Jungkook grabs Taehyung's shoulder," I said I don't need your pity".

Taehyung groans," I thought we'd been over the whole being a lone ranger policy you have and I have to do this, Lisa noona forced me to teach a lesson".

Jungkook gives him an unimpressed look.

" Fine", Taehyung huffs, " I'm just saying that it's not your duty to take all the blame, I'm the one who suggested this whole idea so stop being a stubborn asshole and let me help you".

Taehyung gives him a defiant stare, he's not backing down.

Jungkook sighs," Fine", he says finally before jabbing a finger at Taehyung ," You better be great at using that machine cause you're making all the coffee runs".

" Sure, I hope you love mountains of sugar in your coffe".

" You know I don't!"

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked this, I've been wanting to make a brooklyn nine nine au in forever. Please comment and kudos


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